I am a Heart Mother
One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same...
They told me that my child was sick..
I thought, am I to blame?
I don't think I can handle this...
I'm really not that strong..
It seemed my heart was breaking..
As, I'd loved him for so long.
I will not give up on this child..
despite your best "advice"..
I will give my child a chance..
No matter what the price..
And I will learn all that I need..
to help my child to thrive...
I'll even use that feeding tube..
My child will survive!
And he'll needs lots of therapy?
And he just can't gain weight?
Alright God I can do this..
I will not curse our fate.
The feeding pump beeps,( at 3:00 a.m.)
It serves as my reminder..
How many parents would welcome that sound?
Tomorrow Lord, I will be kinder.
Another angel earns their wings..
and I run to my sleeping child's bed..
I watch him then, for quite awhile..
(I bend down and kiss his head)
Then I cry for the parent's whose lives have been broken..
And I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways..
No matter how I try.
And yet, I trust You hold his life..
(and guide us through each day)
My mind says savor each moment he's here...
But my heart whispers,"Please let him stay".
From... pacing the surgical waiting room...
to sitting by his hospital bed...
From... wishing for a good nights sleep..
to learning every med..
From... wondering will he be alright?
to watching him reach out his hands..
with every smile, my heart just melts..
(despite life's harsh demands)
For all who see that faded line..
I look to them and smile..
You see my child is loved so much..
I would face any trial...
That same scar I trace with my finger..
(It's the door to his beautiful heart)
You must have known how much I'd love him..
(Just as You loved him right from the start)
A heart mom is always a heart mom..
(wise beyond all of her years)
And for those who have angels in heaven..
Our hearts share in all of your tears..
On Mother's Day I will remember..
You chose me for him(and no other)
And I will embrace that beautiful day..
When I became a "heart mother".
Heart Mom Lessons
Heart mom lesson number ten...Forget who you were and who you have been
Life is about to take a detour
And you will be shaken to your very core.
You've just found out something's not right
How will you make it through this plight?
What can you do? What should you expect?
Of life with a child with a heart defect?
Heart mom lesson number nine
You'll learn to say things are just fine
When people stop... to just say hi
There will be days...you long to cry
Bound by worry...fear... and stress
At times...you'll think..."I am a mess."
You'll smile, when you long to whine
Then say..."thank you"...were doing fine.
Heart mom lesson number eight
You'll learn just what it means to wait.
Patience is a virtue right?
Who really needs to sleep at night?
A hospital room... not a permanent state
As each day passes... home must wait.
Patience is knowing...things won't stay the same
Patience is accepting...a changing time frame.
Heart mom lesson seven here
Our children's futures still aren't clear
Innovations continue to thrive
Each year more children will survive.
These children and their familiies
Will rise to fight these CHD's
Research is imperative
Our kid's deserve a chance...to live.
Heart mom lesson number six.
It's clear life holds no easy fix
If life were perfect...in every way
I guess...I'd have no need to pray
I'd still be living...blind...and dim
Forgetting I must lean on HIM..
I cannot change the way things are
But prayer makes God...seem not so far.
Heart mom lesson number five
Cherish this day...your child's alive
Today we frolicked in the snow
(Did he like it? hmmm...well...no)
I watched him smile..as snowflakes fell
I thought...thank God...he's doing well
A bundled boy...warm hat...one glove
No doubt about it...this is love.
Heart mom lesson number four
There is always time for more
More messes that need cleaning up
More cartoons on t.v
More yes...I'm gonna tickle you
(The best things remain free)
More bubbles in the bathtub
More stories...one more song
More this little piggie went to market.
One more...just can't be wrong.
Heart mom lesson number three
Their special hearts...help us to see
Did I always understand?
That God holds our lives in his hand?
Before my child...I took for granted
The gifts in my life...that God surely planted
Before my eyes...I missed them...how?
My heart child came...I see them now.
Lesson number two...take heart.
It is okay...to fall apart... It's not easy,we don't know
Will we watch our children grow?
God looks to his angels...saying see why I chose her
She is not afraid to lose her composure
In her heart...she feels defiled
But nothing will stop her... from loving her child.
Heart mom lesson...number one
It must be said...we're never done!
That day...will never come you see
We'll always face uncertainty
But I will face each day unknown
Taking heart...I'm not alone.
These lessons... remind me to cope
Stand strong...believe...and always hope.
3 years ago today we found out our baby boy was very sick. We were having a lazy day, I mean what new mom doesn't just want to chill in sweats and watch TV with her kids? We needed a new computer so I decided that before naptime I would take the boys and we would go to Staples to look at a computer I saw in their ad. While I was getting Mason out of his bouncer to put him in his car seat he stopped breathing. I have no idea what went through my mind but all I remember is turning him on his stomach and doing back blows then turning him over and rubbing his sternum. He started breathing but didn't look okay. Don't ask me why I didn't call 911. I called the pediatricians office and told them what happened, the nurse kind of blew me off, told me there wasn't an appointment until that night and if I was really that worried to take him to Instacare. So I put both boys in the car and drove to the ER. When I told them what happened they looked at him in his car seat and I don't think really take me very seriously either, that is until they put the oxygen sensor on his fluid filled foot and his oxygen was in the 70's, he looked pink. His body was completely modeled and he was so so puffy. I just thought he was getting chunky. Zac rushed to the hospital from work. They put him on oxygen and started with blood draws to check for infection, nothing. So then they decided to do a spinal tap. The day went on like this, test after test. Finally the ped on call came up to the ER and ordered a chest xray. That is when everything started to change. He told us he was going to admit Mason to the ped's floor where he would run some more tests and consult with Primary Children's. At that point it he said Mason's heart was very big and he had some pleural effusions. Then came the echo. I don't think the echo tech was out of the room 5 mins when the doctor came in saying Life Flight was on it's way to take Mason to Salt Lake to Primary Children's. At that point we still thought pleural effusions was what was sending him. It was almost 10pm at that point. I don't remember much after that. When we got to Salt Lake all we were told was that he was sick and he had a few Congenital Heart Defects and told us a few of them. They had some more testing scheduled for that next day. The next day they did a Cardiac MRI that they had to intubate him for due to a picture they had to get. They gave him med to stop his heart for a split second to get a picture they needed. We waited in the waiting room. Then came the cardiologist. She took us into a private room and our world was flipped. She said, Mason is very sick. He has a heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. That didn't mean anything to me at that point. She proceeded to tell us that it was the worst of the heart defects and that if he was born a decade sooner the only option we would have would be to take him home where he would pass away. I only remember pieces after that.... stuff like "you have the option to take him home and put him on hospice to keep him comfortable before he passes." "he is in heart failure, I am shocked the rest of his body hasn't shut down" "Surgery is an option, it is a rough road and not promising if you choose to go that route" "Transplant is an option but he probably wouldn't make it long enough to receive a new heart". The conversation was ended with us choosing to try the surgery to save him. The next day was a blur, we met with social workers, surgeons, anesthesiologists, different hospital teams. Signed a bunch of consents, talked to research/study teams, it was never ending. On October 29th he had his first open heart surgery. When signing the consent with his surgeon, Mason was given a next to nothing chance of making it through the surgery. His nurse cried with us as we walked him to the OR doors, she was one of the first to fall in love with this amazing boy. Surgery went better than expected and his recovery was smooth and better than anyone ever imagined. The rest is basically history! He has exceeded every ones expectations with how great he has done. We are defiantly blessed and have a lot of angels helping him and us out every step of the way. I have no doubt about that at all. This new way of life we were put into is always teaching us something. It can be mean, ugly, unfair, nauseating, frustrating, joyful, amazing, and beautiful. It is something that has brought our family closer together and is reminding us constantly about what is important in life. So today, the day I will never forget, we celebrate. We celebrate our family being together, the friends we have made, the love we have felt, the prayers that were said, the support that we have, we celebrate it and remember it all. Today is a good day.
